I’m gonna get myself in trouble today.

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged.  For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged.” Matthew 7:1-2

Judgmental people engage in a critical, fault-finding assessment of another person’s behavior.  If someone’s behavior does not reflect a choice or a decision we would have made, we judge it as wrong.  Judgmental people tend to be dogmatic in stating their views.  They act as if their opinion is the final authority.  They evaluate people’s behavior and place a permanent label on them.  They are – in a word – highly opinionated.

I personally think that evangelical Christians are some of the most judgmental, opinionated people I know.  There I said it.

Now, every day we make practical judgments regarding what we think is right or wrong and what is best for our personal lives.

But we become judgmental when we conclude that other people are wrong, unspiritual, or inferior in some manner because they do not embrace the judgments we would make for ourselves.

We sit up on our moral high horse and declare that everybody else is doing it wrong.  What is up with that?!  Who made you God?

““Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?  How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” Matthew 7:3-5

All I have to do is read through my Facebook feed and I can tell you what the HOT topics – with regard to Christians passing judgment – are right now…  Republican or Democratic politicians.  Gay people and marriage issues.  Obese people.  Homeschooling vs. public school.  Dressing modestly, esp. regarding swimwear.  And what kind of food you’re eating (ironic, we’ve come full circle back to new testament issues on that one).

Do you know what the HOT topics were fifty years ago?  Playing cards.  Going to the movies.  Drinking.  Dancing.  Women wearing pants.

Now, I think you SHOULD make decisions, and form your opinions based on what you believe is scripturally correct.  And you should live by those convictions.

But how about giving other people some space to have their own opinion?!  Especially if scripture doesn’t forbid it?

Someone will say – but we are supposed to judge, right?  Well yes, in 1 Corinthians 5:9-12 Paul says that we as a Christian body are called to judge those inside the church who are clearly guilty of wickedness – listed in the passage as immorality, greed, idolatry, drunkenness, and liars/cheats.  In other words, they are clearly breaking a law set out in scripture.  And there are clear instructions for how the church community should approach such an individual – and it involves love, kindness, and restoration if possible.

Can we relax about the gray areas, please?

Let’s work on getting the planks out of our own eyes.

And now, since my kids are in public school, I’m going out for a glass of wine with my Obama-loving friends.  In my two piece swimsuit.  So there.

Relax.  I’m kidding.

Mostly.

“Love is patient and kind.  Love is not… rude.  Love does not demand its own way.” I Corinthians 13:4-5

Rudeness – showing a lack of courtesy to others, lacking manners, unkind.

Remember the Golden Rule?

“Do to others as you would have them do to you.” Luke 6:31

Others?!  We don’t even have the time to think about others!  We are totally absorbed with our own agendas!  Why are we in such a hurry that we have to run over everyone?

Know that when you are rude, you have made a very selfish and ungodly decision that your needs or concerns are more important than everyone else’s.  Rudeness stems from a self-absorbed heart and the blatant disregard of the rights of others.

To whom (individual or group) are you most likely to be rude or unkind?  Why?

Think about that for a minute…..  I came up with (1) other drivers, (2) people who are on their cell phones, and (3) my own family members and especially my husband.  Who did you come up with?

Here are some examples of rude behavior – Are you willing to admit to any of these?

  • Cell phone use – while talking to others, at the table, in the checkout line, while trying to multitask
  • Not giving someone who is speaking your full attention (Guilty!  esp. with my kids!)
  • Making fun of someone’s appearance, clothing, or other “shortcoming”
  • Cutting in line (whatever ridiculous excuse you have)
  • Using foul language in public
  • Piling your plate high with food at a party when others have not eaten yet
  • Failing to say “please”, “thank you”, and “excuse me”
  • Not greeting people because you are in a hurry
  • Changing the subject while someone else is talking
  • Monopolizing the conversation
  • Leaving a mess for others to clean up
  • Any others come to mind?

How about this?  A few years ago my husband and I were reading Love and Respect by Dr. Eggerichs.  I really do respect my husband, but apparently my behavior does not always communicate that respect very well.

So I followed the instructions in the homework and asked him, “What one thing do I do that communicates disrespect to you?”

His answer – You interrupt me all the time.

Oh.  Yea.  I do.  He’s right.

So I have been working for years to let him finish his own sentences…  To not presume I already know what he is going to say…  To not cut him off suddenly…  And also not be on my phone or the computer when he is talking to me.

Kindness.  Respect.  Manners.  Common courtesy.

Notice the focus on how we treat other people.  God’s people are to be patient, considerate, and kind – thoughtful of others.

There is never a justification for being rude.

“Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment… Honor one another above yourselves. ” Romans 12:3, 10

30 Days to Taming Your Tongue, a Bible study by Deborah Pegues

*cartoon by Pirero 10/25/11 circulating on Facebook

#4 The Hasty Tongue!  25 % of us are too quick to speak… It’s just so hard to restrain ourselves!

Other top issues were:

#10 The Gossiping Tongue – 16 % of us have trouble talking about others when they are not present.

#15 The Know-It-All Tongue – 12 % of us like to give out unsolicited advice.  We’re just so helpful! And,

#8 The Self-Deprecating Tongue – 10 % of us have negative thoughts and words about ourselves.  We tend to put ourselves down.

Thank you for sharing, ladies.  It’s nice to know that we’re not the only ones struggling with our words and heart issues.  I have appreciated your honesty and your feedback during the first half of this study.

Love you!  Mindy

30 Days to Taming Your Tongue, a Bible study by Deborah Pegues.

“The mouth of the wicked is full of curses and lies and threats; trouble and evil are under his tongue.” Proverbs 10:7

Intimidators are bullies.  They make others feel inadequate, unworthy, ashamed, fearful – any emotion that will allow them to maintain a position of dominance.  Name calling, threatening language, belittling words – and yelling.  They make you feel guilty, unappreciated, unworthy, and full of doubt.  Intimidators seek control and power.

I hope, honest to God, that none of you have to deal with an intimidator on a regular basis.  And I really pray that this is not what your marriage looks like.  It’s so tough to deal with intimidation – not impossible, but very tough.

God never meant for anyone to oppress or dominate another person.

I have been thinking about bullying recently – my daughter will start middle school next year and it’s scaring the snot out of me!  Girls can be so mean with their words.  And I pray to God that it’s not my daughter who becomes the Alpha Mean Girl…

Scripture gives us several good examples of how to respond to intimidation.

  • Nehemiah 6:1-17 where a group of men came and attempted to intimidate Nehemiah and cause him to stop rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem.  They used lies, accusations, slander, and exaggeration in the hopes of creating fear and discouragement.  How did Nehemiah respond?
  • I Kings 19:1-4 where Elijah has just completed a demonstration on Mt. Carmel and God smote (favorite word!) the prophets of Baal.  Then evil queen Jezebel sent death threats to Elijah.  How did he respond?
  • I Samuel 17:41-47 where David goes out to fight Goliath and Goliath hurls all kinds of intimidating insults and threats at David.  How did David respond?
  • Acts 4:18-20, 29 where Peter and John were threatened by the chief priests and elders and instructed to quit preaching about Jesus.  How did they respond?

Good passages for us to review - good insight there regarding how to respond to intimidation.

One last thought – do you use intimidation as a parenting tactic?  Yelling, threatening, making a child feel guilty, forcing a child to obey out of fear?  Many of us do it occasionally… “Get back in bed or I will beat your rear end!!” etc.  However, parenting by intimidation is not going to bring about the long-term results you desire.  Notice I said long-term.  It might work for the moment, but eventually your threats will come up empty.  Parenting by intimidation is fear-based, not consequences-based, which creates a terrible dynamic between parent and child… resentment, anger… and it’s not very effective.  You can enforce consequences for rule-breaking without creating an environment of fear.  Tricky – but possible.  You want your kids to love you and know you are fair, not fear you.

“But You have saved us from our adversaries, and You have put to shame those who hate us.  In God we have boasted all day long, and we will give thanks to Your name forever.” Psalm 44:7-8

30 Days to Taming Your Tongue, a Bible study by Deborah Pegues

“Let your conversation be gracious and effective so that you will have the right answer for everyone.” Colossians 4:6 NLT

Tact is the ability to avoid being offensive in a negative situation.  Tact is being diplomatic with your words.  It is discretion, or discernment in speaking.

Tact is a learned behavior that is developed by experience and prayer – it is not our natural response.

Some of us are direct, honest communicators who want to get the truth out there so it can be seen and dealt with.  However, while honesty is the best policy, it is not a license to say whatever we want.  One of the most important skills we can develop is the ability to deal with others with sensitivity, and to speak inoffensively when we find ourselves in difficult or problematic situations.

Kind, gracious words – always.

Daniel provides an excellent example of tact.  In Daniel 1:8 he carefully, tactfully, requests permission to not eat the king’s food but to follow his own kosher diet instead.  Note that he’d already made up his mind about the food, but he used diplomacy to obtain permission… instead of making an unpleasant ruckus about it.  In Daniel 2:14 he approaches the king with tact and discretion, seeking time and permission to interpret the king’s dream (and save the lives of the other wise men).  Repeatedly in the first six chapters of Daniel we find him with strong convictions and truth on his tongue – but also with the favor and respect of the kings and their staff.  How does he do it?  TACT.  Discretion.  He did not avoid the truth, but he was very careful in his relationships – wise, kind, showing honor, gracious, compassionate.  What a great role model!

“She opens her mouth in wisdom and words of kindness are on her tongue.” Proverbs 31:26

We can choose words that are warmhearted, understanding, and sympathetic.  The grace that God has shown to us, we must extend to others.  (I’ve heard this called “horizontal grace” – a rich concept!)  We must also understand that extending grace and telling the truth are NOT mutually exclusive concepts.

We can speak tactfully – with grace, kindness, and diplomacy.

“If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.” 1 Corinthians 13:1

30 Days to Taming Your Tongue, a Bible study by Deborah Pegues

“Harsh Words Spoken”

I ran into a stranger as he passed by.

“Oh, excuse me, please” was my reply.

He said, “Please excuse me too;

I wasn’t watching for you.”

We were very polite, this stranger and I.

We went on our way and we said goodbye.

But at home a different story is told,

how we treat our loved ones, young and old.

Later that day, cooking the evening meal,

my son stood beside me very still.

When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.

“Move out of the way,” I said with a frown.

He walked away, his little heart broken.

I didn’t realize how harshly I’d spoken.

While I lay awake in bed,

God’s still small voice came to me and said,

“While dealing with a stranger,

common courtesy you use,

but the children you love, you seem to abuse.

Go look on the kitchen floor,

you’ll find some flowers there by the door.

Those are the flowers he brought for you.

He picked them himself; pink, yellow, and blue.

He stood very quietly not to spoil the suprise,

and you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes.”

By that time, I felt very small,

and now my tears began to fall.

I quietly went and knelt by his bed;

“Wake up, little one, wake up,” I said.

“Are these the flowers you picked for me?”

He smiled, “I found ‘em out by the tree.

I picked ‘em because they’re pretty like you.

I knew you’d like ‘em, especially the blue.”

I said, “Son, I’m very sorry for the way I acted today;

I shouldn’t have yelled at you that way.”

He said, “Oh, Mom, that’s okay.

I love you anyway.”

I said, “Son, I love you too,

and I do like the flowers, especially the blue.”

- Author unknown

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger.” Proverbs 15:1

30 Days to Taming Your Tongue, a Bible study by Deborah Pegues

*poem is pg. 75 in the workbook

Yea!  We are half way through the 30 Days to Taming Your Tongue!  Some of these topics have been harder than others for me.  I suppose that the troubles of the tongue are different for each of us.  So, I want to know.

I’ll post the results in a few days.  Up next, The Harsh Tongue.  Hang in there through these last 15 days.  God is not done speaking to us yet.

Love you all!  Mindy

30 Days to Taming Your Tongue, a Bible study by Deborah Pegues

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